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April Fools Joke: Attention, ALL CLIENTS OF SEMALT!

Turbo The Turtle News April 1, 2017
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Greetings, humans-clients of SEMALT!

This is truly a wonderful day for you for I, Turbo The First, Ex-Recruiting Interviewer, has reigned over SEMALT as its Supreme Leader - or CEO, like you, humans, call it. I have been waiting for this moment for three years, and now it is my triumph and the beginning of a new green era!

Starting today, my homo sapiens employees will continue working for your success. However, there are some rules that my regime is going to incorporate.

Rule # 1

There is only one rule, and this is The Word of Turbo.

Rule # 2

The new way of SEMALT is now built upon three following pillars:

Longevity. As turtles are long-livers, you won’t have to worry about the stability of your rankings.

Patience. Soon you will see that being rapid doesn’t mean being happy and accept the Turbo way of life. Your website will change...someday. Why the hurry? Relax and embrace things as they are.

Affordability. We have switched to a more reasonable currency, so rejoice! Now you can buy our FullSEO for 10 jars of ReptoMin pellets. You won’t find offers this affordable anywhere.

What’s your problem, anyways? Millions of people worldwide worship a half-eaten apple, but somehow pledging allegiance to the Mighty Turbo is suddenly a big deal?

Rule # 3

NO DISCOUNTS FOR HUMANS. You don’t need discounts - you need Turbo. In case you do not believe me, call your manager and say my name. What follows next, shall convince you of my amazing power and prove you that I can sustain SEMALT. The legend of Earth being carried on the back of the turtle didn't appear from anywhere, you know.

Join Turbo and Turbo will take care of you and your rankings!

 

P.S. Speaking on behalf of Turbo the Great, we, humble human personnel of SEMALT, would like to assure all clients that the rankings are in a good care and will develop as fast as it takes His Excellence to reach the end of the room. It’s a great change. Really.

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Andrew Timchenko
Head of Customer Success Department
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